This past weekend I went to the new track that the school built and did a few laps. I'm not a fan of tracks..the laps bore me and seem really daunting to me. Maybe it's because I was scarred in elementary/middle school when we had to run the mile as part of the fitness tests they did every year. I was always one of the last ones to finish because I walked the majority of the 4 laps around the track. Being a chubby/fat kid didn't help the situation. Looking back, it's crazy how much I hated running and any form of exercise and it's the exact opposite today. I'm thankful for the lifestyle change that I made.
Anyway..It was a decent day weather-wise, little too windy for my liking (but when isn't it in SD!) but the sun was shining so it was good. So I did a few laps, then ran up and down the bleacher stairs with my 4yr old and then did a few more laps. All in all, it ended up being a 3.50 mile walk/run...along with a little sunburn. Oops. I guess I didn't realize how long I was out there. Nonetheless, it was a good time.
The funniest part was when I was getting ready to go back home I noticed my watch showed 3.19 miles...and stuff like that totally bothers me. So, I did what I used to do..I walked around until my watch read 3.25 miles (I walked .25 miles while my watch was "searching" for a satellite signal..in case you were wondering how I got to the 3.50 miles total)..I used to do that all the time whenever I would be outside running or walking. My husband started singing the Eminem song, "Guess who's back, back again..JLem's back.." It made me laugh and it made me feel good knowing that without realizing it I went back to a silly habit of mine. Insert BIG smile here.
It was a good Saturday...and I'm getting back to my old self, slowly but surely.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Into the Light.
Tonight was my son's first baseball game of the season. Just for the record..I'm NOT a fan of baseball in the slightest. I'm not a huge sports fan in general. But when it comes to my kids--I'm their biggest cheerleader. That's one of the many job titles I hold in my current position.
At any rate..that's not the point of this blog.
Tonight as I was getting dressed for the game I couldn't help but be so overwhelmed with anger over how my clothes were fitting. Tight. Things bulging out. Uncomfortable. I really didn't even want to leave the house. I wanted to put my comfy pants and sweatshirt back on.
Once at the game, it was the same. I thought maybe the sunlight would help. Being outside usually helps. It didn't. It made it worse. Not only could I feel how tight my clothes were, I could see it. It made me even more self conscious. I don't remember the last time I felt this self conscious. I hated it. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want anyone to look at me. I felt as if I was 300lbs. I used to feel so good in my clothes. Not today. Not lately..not in months.
I have a whole summer of baseball games, softball games and lots of outdoor time with the kids. I haven't really even gotten a decent run outside since we moved. Which makes me even more sad and pissed off. I've been in this "funk" for a little while...I'm not sure how long. Long enough for me to disrespect my body, lose my motivation and throw away my "give a fuck" button. It seems that no matter how much I think about it, I still do nothing. No matter how many times I start to feel my motivation creeping back into my brain, I still do nothing.
I'm not sure where or how I'm going to find my motivation. I'm not sure when it's going to "click" again in my brain. I'm hoping it's soon..I'm sick of feeling this way and feeling more and more helpless as each day passes.
Am I just being a whiny baby who can't stop being negative? How do I get a grip on myself and take control back?
Answers--coming soon?
At any rate..that's not the point of this blog.
Tonight as I was getting dressed for the game I couldn't help but be so overwhelmed with anger over how my clothes were fitting. Tight. Things bulging out. Uncomfortable. I really didn't even want to leave the house. I wanted to put my comfy pants and sweatshirt back on.
Once at the game, it was the same. I thought maybe the sunlight would help. Being outside usually helps. It didn't. It made it worse. Not only could I feel how tight my clothes were, I could see it. It made me even more self conscious. I don't remember the last time I felt this self conscious. I hated it. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want anyone to look at me. I felt as if I was 300lbs. I used to feel so good in my clothes. Not today. Not lately..not in months.
I have a whole summer of baseball games, softball games and lots of outdoor time with the kids. I haven't really even gotten a decent run outside since we moved. Which makes me even more sad and pissed off. I've been in this "funk" for a little while...I'm not sure how long. Long enough for me to disrespect my body, lose my motivation and throw away my "give a fuck" button. It seems that no matter how much I think about it, I still do nothing. No matter how many times I start to feel my motivation creeping back into my brain, I still do nothing.
I'm not sure where or how I'm going to find my motivation. I'm not sure when it's going to "click" again in my brain. I'm hoping it's soon..I'm sick of feeling this way and feeling more and more helpless as each day passes.
Am I just being a whiny baby who can't stop being negative? How do I get a grip on myself and take control back?
Answers--coming soon?
Monday, May 20, 2013
First Step Back..
A little background:
Most of you don't know this, but I've been in a huge slump/hole for the past few months.
I can't remember exactly when it started. It may have been as far back as last year when I wrecked both of my knees after I ran my first half marathon. That was a little over a year ago. It could have started when I realized that I couldn't run without pain and that my running would have to stop until my knees were fixed. That right there completely devastated me. I still tear up a bit when I think about it. I remember exactly how I felt..I felt like I was ousted from an exclusive club. I felt like I lost a best friend. I felt like a part of me died.
Every time I looked at my running shoes or Garmin watch, every time a Runner's World magazine would come in the mail, every time I saw a post on twitter from one of my running buddies..it hurt me. It hurt so much that I cancelled my magazine subscription, I threw away any running gear catalog that came in the mail and I even backed off of twitter. It was all too painful to face. I cried alot. I cried because of physical pain after I would attempt any kind of exercise and I cried from emotional pain.
Knowing how much pain I was in physically and emotionally, my husband did everything he could to make sure that a knee surgery was in my immediate future. And on October 26, 2012, it happened. I had a double menisectomy. Most surgeons won't do a double knee surgery, but I requested it. My "job" really didn't leave me much choice. My "employers" are quite the demanding bunch. At almost 10yrs old, 7.5yrs old and freshly 4yrs old (girl, boy, girl)..they required much of my time and attention. So, a double knee surgery was pretty much the only option I had if I wanted to fix my knees and get back into the "club." The surgery and recovery weren't as tough as I expected it to be. I didn't get as much down time as I thought I would, which is probably why I'm still experience aches and pains to this day. So..after the surgery and the pain it was and still is at times was difficult on me. I had been running and adhering to a semi-rigid run schedule for almost 2yrs. I had been exercising on a regular basis for almost 3yrs too..so that was really difficult for me to let go of...at first. Then, of course, it got easier and easier to slip into a sedentary slump.
Now that I'm in this "hole"..the depression has most certainly gotten worse. The numbers on the scale have crept up higher than I thought I'd see again and inevitably my clothes have gotten tighter along with it. So..needless to say, I feel more than pissed off at myself. But apparently I don't feel pissed off enough to do much about it. I THINK about making changes. I THINK about getting back into my good habits...but the follow through isn't really there. Hell, I've even thought about writing this blog..at least 20 times already.
I know that I've been rambling...I'm not really sure if I've made much sense or if it's all pieced together correctly. My main point is this: I've fallen back into someone I'm not happy with..someone that I thought would never make an appearance again. But..here "she" sits. Writing this blog. Sharing most of the events that have adversely affected "her" life. I'm hoping "she" will step aside and allow ME to come back. I know I've done it SO MANY times before..and each time I've done it I've always started out saying, "I'm not sure I have the energy to do it all over again."
I know I'm not in a super deep hole (yet) and I don't have piles and piles of pounds and inches to lose, but it's a big enough number for me that it's upsetting and quite noticeable. I just don't know how to snap myself out of it. I don't know how to get back my "willpower" ..or better described as, my "give a fuck" attitude. I'm not sure if I feel like I can't do it again...or if I really even feel like doing it again. I'm missing my drive, I guess. I'm missing that key something that I used to have..what is it? I'm not too sure anymore. I know that I've thought and pondered and thought and pondered..and even beat myself up mentally. I've felt the whole spectrum of emotions, it seems. Nothing has clicked. Nothing has sparked enough to light the fire.
But, I want to be accountable..somehow, some way. I hear, see and read so many inspirational things that something is bound to click in my head again.
So--this is my first step on finding my balance.
Most of you don't know this, but I've been in a huge slump/hole for the past few months.
I can't remember exactly when it started. It may have been as far back as last year when I wrecked both of my knees after I ran my first half marathon. That was a little over a year ago. It could have started when I realized that I couldn't run without pain and that my running would have to stop until my knees were fixed. That right there completely devastated me. I still tear up a bit when I think about it. I remember exactly how I felt..I felt like I was ousted from an exclusive club. I felt like I lost a best friend. I felt like a part of me died.
Every time I looked at my running shoes or Garmin watch, every time a Runner's World magazine would come in the mail, every time I saw a post on twitter from one of my running buddies..it hurt me. It hurt so much that I cancelled my magazine subscription, I threw away any running gear catalog that came in the mail and I even backed off of twitter. It was all too painful to face. I cried alot. I cried because of physical pain after I would attempt any kind of exercise and I cried from emotional pain.
Knowing how much pain I was in physically and emotionally, my husband did everything he could to make sure that a knee surgery was in my immediate future. And on October 26, 2012, it happened. I had a double menisectomy. Most surgeons won't do a double knee surgery, but I requested it. My "job" really didn't leave me much choice. My "employers" are quite the demanding bunch. At almost 10yrs old, 7.5yrs old and freshly 4yrs old (girl, boy, girl)..they required much of my time and attention. So, a double knee surgery was pretty much the only option I had if I wanted to fix my knees and get back into the "club." The surgery and recovery weren't as tough as I expected it to be. I didn't get as much down time as I thought I would, which is probably why I'm still experience aches and pains to this day. So..after the surgery and the pain it was and still is at times was difficult on me. I had been running and adhering to a semi-rigid run schedule for almost 2yrs. I had been exercising on a regular basis for almost 3yrs too..so that was really difficult for me to let go of...at first. Then, of course, it got easier and easier to slip into a sedentary slump.
Now that I'm in this "hole"..the depression has most certainly gotten worse. The numbers on the scale have crept up higher than I thought I'd see again and inevitably my clothes have gotten tighter along with it. So..needless to say, I feel more than pissed off at myself. But apparently I don't feel pissed off enough to do much about it. I THINK about making changes. I THINK about getting back into my good habits...but the follow through isn't really there. Hell, I've even thought about writing this blog..at least 20 times already.
I know that I've been rambling...I'm not really sure if I've made much sense or if it's all pieced together correctly. My main point is this: I've fallen back into someone I'm not happy with..someone that I thought would never make an appearance again. But..here "she" sits. Writing this blog. Sharing most of the events that have adversely affected "her" life. I'm hoping "she" will step aside and allow ME to come back. I know I've done it SO MANY times before..and each time I've done it I've always started out saying, "I'm not sure I have the energy to do it all over again."
I know I'm not in a super deep hole (yet) and I don't have piles and piles of pounds and inches to lose, but it's a big enough number for me that it's upsetting and quite noticeable. I just don't know how to snap myself out of it. I don't know how to get back my "willpower" ..or better described as, my "give a fuck" attitude. I'm not sure if I feel like I can't do it again...or if I really even feel like doing it again. I'm missing my drive, I guess. I'm missing that key something that I used to have..what is it? I'm not too sure anymore. I know that I've thought and pondered and thought and pondered..and even beat myself up mentally. I've felt the whole spectrum of emotions, it seems. Nothing has clicked. Nothing has sparked enough to light the fire.
But, I want to be accountable..somehow, some way. I hear, see and read so many inspirational things that something is bound to click in my head again.
So--this is my first step on finding my balance.
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